11/23/2024
~ i am starting to think that maybe there are no four-dimensional beings. no 'higher' plane of existence. maybe the angels only swim in a two dimensional reality, and that's the reason the results always seem to only make sense as aligning points on a grid. it's true that simpler orders are purer, no? maybe The Tapestry really is just a flat cloth extending endlessly in both directions. maybe the 'void' of space is everywhere that is already perfect, complete, and whole, while what see as 'planets' are sorts of puddles of imperfection that've accumulated in the folds... but maybe the higher, surely more disgraced from god, planes of existence do matter. maybe the flat cloth is laid not on a simple table but some form even more incomprehensible than the sphere, and maybe its motions reverberate all the same
11/20/2024
~ they call her crest... because she's always on top...
11/09/2024
~ ...im not saying that i think the brain has a dream as it dies, moreso that experiencing the formlessness of What Comes After you are no longer bound to a nervous system is... well. like the formless place inside urself where any dream can arise. it's complicated...
10/30/2024
~ Fascist and Faggot are both insults that stem from the same latin root, and both words insult the other person by implying they are a weakling who submits to Daddy.
10/29/2024
~ if you're hot they'll report you to a psyche ward, but if you're washed-up damaged goods they'll just shoot you dead right there on the spot
10/29/2024
~ when I go to hell I'll go where the murderers go
10/28/2024
~ they call her crest... because she's always high...
10/23/2024
~ fortune smiles on a sunbathing dog
10/17/2024
~ for many adult men pornography is unwittingly held as the only remaining means of taking a return visit to the faculties of their imagination
10/14/2024
~ well, they sure dont call em buffalo MILD wings !!!!
10/13/2024
~ you must unmake the Government that's installed in your head and replace it with a sort of Gensokyo
10/12/2024
~ ive heard a lot of people describe this shared experience of joining or planning to join the military out of purely suicidal reasons just so they can do something interesting before dying and have the actual dying part taken out of their hands. i had essentially the same mindset when i was 18 but i hated the military so i thought if i failed college id just go home and try to join one of the local gangs or something and live that life until the cartel kills me
10/12/2024
~ it's okay, unfortunately nothing sleeps forever
10/11/2024
~ (looking at large-breasted anime figures) this isn't the answer! this is merely the residue.
10/02/2024
~ all the bugs come out at night. slick carapace rivers...
9/30/2024
~ ...of course it does! did you know that you die every night? yes, it's true, you're already pretty good at dying by this point. tonight you are going to crawl into bed and after a little while the you of the present is going to die. then, tomorrow, like an alternator kickstarting a car, your heart will leap into action and produce a new spark to inhabit your shell for the day. it'll be flooding all the same neuro-organic highways, so it'll have access to all the memories of the days before right up intil the final departure, so it won't really matter, and that new you will die once the Earth does another full turn and drift off to some other place and so on and so forth. but it is a real death, every ascent into that well of dreams. anesthesia is just a little death, a small non-shell-destroying dose of it, a sleep that you didn't ask for, unless you did of course.
9/23/2024
~ the death cult called Christianity was a lovely little tool in its own time, but they (much like Leninists) lost all actual utility and purpose after successfully seizing the Roman throne
9/19/2024
~ ...idk, i have complicated feelings about art and creation and theyre not really settled. when it goes right it can bring people into light they would have never experienced otherwise, but at the end of the day it's also an act of reifying or folding light that can never have borders into strictly defined borders, permanently diminishing it. which i should just accept as fine, because i cant live borderless, because i am no christ and i am no buddha, and i dont want the dreams where im stabbed to death like them to come true, and its the borders that i cling to and my art that keep me from going over the edge, but also because i cling to them i will never escape the pain brought on by them, which makes me wanna send myself over the edge. i never asked to desire production, i say, but maybe i did, but i dont feel like i ever did, i just keep bouncing along to the tune of master's tickles.
9/09/2024
~ the heavily scarred forearms framing her faded t-shirt of the red hot chili peppers logo created something of a cruel oxymoron in my mind
9/07/2024
~ went out to look up at the night sky tonight and the noisy pattern of abyssal CRT static only occasionally freckled by some distant glimmering was the same as the view from my closed eyelids. one of the only things we can know for absolutely certain is that there are some lights that only arise out of the absolute absence of light. and that the phenomena revealed by rare light in comparison makes all of our visible surroundings seem like nothing more than transient distractions. though, i think in the end even distractions are equally as immensely important as distant stars. it's the same material the whole way through. the same process. most people will never understand, because the result gravity leaves us is our ipod touch's earbud cords tangled together into a big incomprehensible clump instead of the neat "rows" of a spiral. but the tangle is just the appearance we see of an aftermath of many small spiral-patterned shapes repeating in cascades. and each and every spiral in history buried beneath its own repetition is just as perfectly spiral as the atom and the split atom. and even with the spiral right in front of us we can't ever actually fully describe it, you'll follow the tail of π for infinity until your die joins you with that infinite and makes you one and the same with it. all continues to chug along to the design of Master, who you can Never touch, but you can tickle his creatures!!! ⬅ ⬅ a thing i do not necessarily believe myself
9/07/2024
~ ...by far the worst lesson i internalized as a teenager was that it's actually a kindness to greedily whip a slave to death if they were a sinner. and that I was the only real sinner in the world because unlike all the innocently misguided I was actually evil and truly deserving of death
8/31/2024
~ my turgid cock is bustling
8/16/2024
~ always fear daddy, but never your brother
8/13/2024
~ monogatari was crazy good this week
8/11/2024
~ monogatari was crazy good this week
8/10/2024
~ ...to iterate on a previous point because you asked about it and because its important to me. it's like. as above so below we are created in his image, but of course there is no 'his' there is just ein sof. i believe there is ein sof in the human soul and i believe, in a sense, that black holes are ein sof. or another way to put it. if mysticism is the practice of peeking behind the curtain of the delusion of reality to gaze at the endless ein sof beneath it. then black holes are, quite literally, a hole in the curtain of reality. when we physically measure black holes with precision instruments, the data we get back runs bizarrely parallel with the most schizophrenic descriptions of ein sof's true nature. they are quite literally infinite light that conceals itself the brighter it shines with infinite void. also, consider this. black holes precede the existence of time itself. in a void with no spinning planets, time does not exist because time is dependent on matter. but with black holes come the formation of galaxies. of universes. also consider that the formation of black holes does not require dense matter, but any matter in enough overwhelming quantity. this means that if you filled up a balloon with air until it were the size of the entire observable universe it would form a black hole. they are all creation.
8/08/2024
~ when im in hell they will give me a gold star because i was good at video games
8/07/2024
~ i am immersed in a cocoon of rot. it can be the place where i bloom anew for a third time or the place where i dissolve completely and die. it remains to be seen what will happen to me. every day i strive to make way for the former fate to come into reality. but every day i really bring myself closer to the latter. it's so scary. thinking that all i would leave behind. is only all that ive got right now
8/02/2024
~ tourmaline snowflakes of cancer
7/30/2024
~ im so sick and weak. what are you doing to yourself.
7/28/2024
~ id love to die with her. id love to die with her honestly. i just fear that we dont fit eachother in a way too fundamental. i could be content with the fact that the memories in which we kissed really did happen. but i dont want to settle for anything. it would be really nice to die in love with her
7/27/2024
~ things went well today. i have acquired many particular isms as my calluses have calcified. but people seem to enjoy the way that i communicate. it is nice to have my voice heard. but u must practice ur verbal speech more.
7/26/2024
~ i think sometimes i just smoke to feel alone in a room where i cant be. no further physical frontier to retreat to. so i guess i retreat inward. but the thing that i desire in my own loneliness is also something inward. but what i want is the loneliness of being the only one in a room. not the loneliness of being nothing at all
7/21/2024
~ it is said that even though it is often philosophy that leads one to the mystical path, philosophy and mystical practice are inherently incompatible and run counter to each other's intentions. i think this is because philosophy in a sense is the practice of venturing into undefined territory and carving out something distinguishable where before there was only ambiguity, while the ultimate goal of mysticism is more like carving and carving and adding so many carvings that the entire malleable surface crust is eroded away until only smooth pure unending unalienable bedrock remains so that all carvings are uncarved and all that is ambiguous can be known and all that can be known is ambiguous. the danger of psychosis in mystical practice rears its head when this idea is pursued to an extreme and people take to unmaking the wrinkles in their own brain so nothing but pure smoothness in totality is left. anyway, though attempting to bridge philosophy with mysticism is ultimately a reductive and conservative habit it's one that i also indulge myself in.
7/20/2024
~ i was put on this earth to burn down gnosticism
7/19/2024
~ big blunts and a hiking activity. big blunts and a hiking activity. big blunts and a hiking activity.
6/29/2024
~ i did it i actually did it. i did something ive never done before, and that feels great. whenever im asleep and i realize that im currently in a nightmare, my go-to response is always to focus everything i can into my vocal cords and scream at the top of my lungs to wake myself up. i usually can't though, it's usually the precise moment that i try when i realize im frozen and paralyzed, it's terrible. ive never really screamed before though, why would anyone in the normal course of their lives in places full of other people ever decide to scream at the top of their lungs? if ive never screamed before how can i even really know what im supposed to render in a dream with that act? we're all living in a nightmare we can't bribe our way out of. so many of my days are so numbingly dreamy. so much feels too unreal. i feel intuitively in my psyche like i can make big decisions and enact real change in my life, but in a dream you cannot do anything but roll along the path in front of you unless you're lucid. i keep failing at so many things i want to do and i just keep rolling down whatever's comfortable for me and everything just keeps getting worse and blurrier. today i walked out to the outskirts of town until i got to a crossroads of freeway exits and entrances away from people. i picked one path to wander down and after a bit of working the courage up in myself i screamed at the top of my lungs and then again and again. it felt so hard to break through the conditioning that tells you not to scream, im so quiet in my life. but it was great. it felt very freeing. i don't think ive ever heard myself scream in my adult life before so the sound surprised me. i have a high pitched deer-like scream. it felt really nice that i had managed to break the mold in my life a little bit and actually enact in reality something i dreamed about. the walk up there felt so hazy and dreamy but i felt so conscious and aware for my walk home. i suppose i really am still alive.
6/08/2024
~ it's terrible when you can see the sound itself of the train siren but not its source